


thought i could find my way back home (but i got lost alone)

by lesbianjeongyeon



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/F, Sort of anyway, Soulmate AU, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-24
Updated: 2017-04-24
Packaged: 2018-10-23 07:41:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10715157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbianjeongyeon/pseuds/lesbianjeongyeon
Summary: soulmate au where your mark is your soulmate saying "i love you" without saying those actual words.-----but when i'm with you, i'm no longer wanderingand when i'm with you, i swear i can breatheand when i'm with you i know who i amand who i want to be





	thought i could find my way back home (but i got lost alone)

**Author's Note:**

> not going to lie, i kind of wrote this ten days ago, and only finished the second half today so i'm not sure if there's any inaccuracies or mistakes. this was a pretty on the fly fic to get me back into writing since the hiatus has been so killer on me.

You don’t believe in soulmates because the only person you’ve ever felt close to is your sister, and you know platonic soulmates exist, but Kara’s from outer space and she grew up in a world with arranged marriages and concepts of knowledge over love.

You don’t believe in soulmates because how can the human race determine who you’re meant to be with from a marking on your body when even aliens don’t understand this concept.

How can fate decide you’re supposed to be together just by the words on your skin. How are you supposed to know a simple phrase on your skin, stands for the words I love you. How can someone say they love you without those three words? It’s impossible.

It’s impossible to determine the moment that you’ve fallen in love by a set of words, so no, you, Alexandra Danvers do not believe in soulmates.

(And it’s not because your mark didn’t show up until you were twenty-three, it’s not because every guy in your presence is worthless, no it’s because you have two loves in your life, family, and your job, and you don’t need anything else.)

And so you’ve covered your mark with your long sleeves, you stopped wearing tank tops after your party days because applying cover up to the cursive writing across your skin, down your shoulder blades, intricately weaving down your arm had become a hassle, and not worth your time.

Even when Kara had asked you time and time again, about how could you possibly think it’s fair, someone out there is made just for you, and you’re depriving them, even then you don’t have the strength, the bravery, the heart to tell her - to admit to yourself - that you’re saving them the hassle, loving you has brought someone nothing but pain or frustration.

(Look at J’onn who was exposed, look at your father, missing, look at Eliza who still finds every little thing wrong in the world, and points it out to you, utterly disappointed.)

How can you allow someone that is supposed to love you, trust you, and cherish you, try to do all those things when fighting disappointment.

And you have stood by this every moment of every day, you stood by this through high school when you didn’t have a mark.

“I don’t have a soulmate, that’s fine, science is what I love.”  
You stood by it in college, when your string of one night stands only ended in pain.

You said this every day.

Until you couldn’t.

Until you met Maggie Sawyer, and you think your world’s collapsing in on itself because things are shifting and changing and you don’t know why are how but you know they are, and it's terrifying.

It’s terrifying because you feel it in your soul, and that’s the worst part of all.

\---

You meet Maggie on a crime scene, but you don’t really get to know her until the alien bar.

You know the first time you go, that she dated an alien, that she’s definitely gay, and that she’s got possibly the worst poker face ever for a cop.

But then she gets kidnapped, and your soul winds up.

And you never admit it out loud but seeing her safe and sound after leaving that warehouse took a weight off your chest, and the stinging from your mark. And you wish you’d know then, it was because fate was giving you a hint.

But you didn’t, so you don’t get to really know her til the alien bar. The fourth time. Where you’re decently intoxicated, that the edges of your vision blur, and there’s a warmth in your chest you just can’t explain, and you’ve got a permanent blush.

She’s just as intoxicated, or so you would assume.

But maybe not because she’s the one you lean on when you walk away from the pool table to a seat.

She’s the one being your rock, holding you steady, showing you support.

Which is probably why you decide it’s a good idea to ruin the moment and ask the stupidest most awkward question you could ask another human being. At least on this planet.

“So what do you think of soulmates?”

She almost chokes on the beer she’s drinking but you think it’s out of shock but it’s mostly due to the fact that she’s laughing when she pulls the bottle from her lips.

A smirk replaced her previously amused look, and you feel your stomach swoop and you haven’t figured out why.

“On to the hard stuff first, huh?” There’s a tone in her voice that you can’t quite place, but she sounds almost knowing.

“It’s not that hard. Everyone has their own feelings on it. I know how I feel about it.”

The way she gives you a curious look makes you reach for your drink again, to hide behind it.

“I don’t think you need a stupid mark with the first words that indicate love to know who your soulmate is.”

“You don’t?”

“No, you should know. Either what you have is real or it’s not, and I’ve dated enough women to know that you just know when something isn’t right for you.”

“Yeah?” You ask, but mostly so you can hold back the grimace.

(It doesn’t work, you still end up frowning just a little when she responses.)

“Yeah, Danvers.”

You down the rest of your drink, and she must notice how quiet you get because she changes the subject pretty rapidly and you’re thankful for it.

“Time to go home?”

“Yeah, time to go home.”

“C’mon, I’ll walk you to the cab.”

“Okay.”

\--

It’s not until later that she asks you the same question, after the Roulette incident, after your night had gone so drastically wrong.

It’s late, and for the second time since you’ve met Maggie, she’s blown you off for a date. Which is fine, that’s her girlfriend, just because you hadn’t had a date in two years doesn’t mean that other people live their lives the same way

But the wave of nausea you get every time she mentions her girlfriend does not compare to the way you felt after she kissed her in front of you that night.

You’ve peeled off your dress, you’ve managed to kick away your shoes, and you’ve at least got a loose shirt on, but putting the pajama bottoms on you normally would seem like too much work, and you know they’re not worth it.

So you’ve curled up on your bed, under the covers, an old science text in hand, glasses on and you’ve just relaxed.

You’re ready to forget the night you’ve had.

Except you can’t, because your phone buzzes, and if it’s important, Kara or J’onn usually call, so usually, you just ignore it and read it later. It’s probably just Winn send you yet another article on space technology and an explanation as to why he thinks he should be let near the empty abandoned pod you found last week.

However, ever since you’ve started talking with Maggie you find yourself ignoring tasks to check your messages.

You eye the phone for a moment, pursed lips, and count to twenty-nine in your head before you decide that maybe it’s important. And you should check just in case.

Or maybe it’s Maggie, and the thought of not replying right away seems insane to you.

It is Maggie.

And you expect another jab at how soft you were, or maybe something about a case. You don’t expect what is actually said in the text message, however.

**_Do you believe in soulmates, Danvers?_ **

You take four whole minutes to decide on your response, and it’s ridiculous because you’ve answered this question ever since you got the mark.

Ever since the ‘ _I don’t want to imagine my life without you in it.’_ , appeared on your skin, scrawled in the most beautiful handwriting, ever since then, you’ve always responded the same. So why now of all times do you find yourself lying, and telling a different story.

**_I don’t have a_** **_soulmate._**

**_Oh, damn, Danvers. I’m sorry._ **

She doesn’t respond because she feels bad for lying, but when every relationship you have ever had has fallen flat, you might be right. Maybe you don’t have a soulmate and these words are to tease you.

\---

Things get messy after that, things get complicated and scary.

And you, Alexandra Danvers, do not scare easily. You have dealt with the pressure of your mother since you were a child, you took an alien sister under your wing, and time and time again have put your life at risk for her. You’ve been kidnapped, been controlled by kryptonians, and yet you have survived.

But when Maggie breaks up with her girlfriend and you try like hell to make her feel a little better, things go south.

When Maggie starts to imply that maybe you weren’t once as straight as you thought previously, you panic.

You start stress eating anything with sugar.

It starts with an entire pack of twizzlers, then the donuts.

And when Kara can’t help you, and you can’t help but panic things get messy.

But in the end, it works out even a little because soon you’re telling her that maybe she’s right, and maybe things are starting to make sense.

Every man you’ve ever dated, every awkward encounter, forced moment of intimacy, you’ve tried and tried again. Suddenly things are sliding into places of confusion, nothing's making sense, everything you’ve known for your entire life.

But your life gets complicated and things happen, and you approach her later when you want to make she’s okay and words spill out of your mouth like you’ve kept them bottled for twenty-seven years, and you guess in some way you have.

But you panic before you can finish, and you leave the bar. But you know from that moment on that maybe she’s right, and maybe this is the title that can fit you.

\---

Until it doesn’t until you fear that maybe it’s a passing thought or that it’s a late college based phase since you were mostly drunk and intoxicated throughout the moments when you maybe could have experimented. And when you weren’t drunk, you were studying until, well you weren’t.

But Maggie shoots that idea down, and things keep moving, and you’re having trouble keeping up.

Things like you telling Kara, and you’re working through that, and it’s not until the second time you talk that things start spilling out. About how even though soulmates are real, and you don’t know if you have one but you think Maggie might be the closest thing to being happy outside this societal expectation.

And maybe you don’t say it in so many words but you know she can tell because the way you were encouraged her, the way she smiled, you knew that she knew. She understood.

And maybe if you had been paying attention, you would have noticed the way your heart flutters, the way your soul for just a moment feels full when it’s been empty for so long, but you didn’t.

And if maybe if you had, you would have avoided what happened next.

\---

Heartbreak is not something you understand, not in the romantic sense. You don’t understand rejection in this manner. Before rejection had been something you grew up with, you had understood.

Rejection from your mother who seemed to never believe in you quite enough, rejection from guys after you told them no, or avoided them after knowing them so long, or rejection because you hurt their ego not going through another one night stand.

Rejection, disappointment, frustration, hurting. You’re used to this, and yet.

Here you are sitting on the couch, half way through a bottle of whiskey, wasting away the day and you’re heartbroken.

And you’re feeling it so harshly, your entire soul is shaking with your body. Your entire frame feels like it’s holding something hallow together by the sheer force of the muscles in your body.

You feel like every previously sad moment, pales in comparison to how you feel on this night.

And you try to show Kara this is how you feel with as few words as possible, but instead you shake against her as you whisper over and over how stupid you feel for allowing yourself to feel this, to tell her.

Because the words “fresh off the boat” weren’t the worst.

No, after this everything falls back to the sentence that keeps ringing in your head.

“You know now, Danvers. And maybe now you’ll realize, you aren’t so soulmate-less after all.”

And if you were in a better mind set, you would have backed up your previous lie, done anything, but instead, you did what you do best, and you ran.

You ran and you ignore her the rest of the night and here you are, wrapped up in Kara.

\---

You keep running, as long as you can but eventually you encounter a few awkward conversations with Maggie, she wants to reiterate the words “just friends” a few times int your brain, and you know its probably not intentional, but it feels like she’s banging on a nail in your heart, a few extra times just to make sure it cracks all the way, so she understands.

And you let it, keep cracking, hidden in your chest, while you try and smile it away.

Until you can’t and you lose it on Maggie.

But nothing you said was entirely wrong, you became strong for her, and you tried for her, and now it’s hurting you in the very depths of your heart, the farthest parts of your soul, every time you’re around her, and you don’t know why.

But you want it to stop.

You want it to stop so badly that you tell her this, and you again, don’t let her respond, you just run.

And it works for a while until it doesn’t.

Until Maggie Sawyer does something you don’t expect and she shows up on your doorstep and the world stops.

The world stops just for a moment because Maggie Sawyer says something that you didn’t expect to be real.

_“I don’t want to imagine my life without you in it.”_

But it’s real, and suddenly the world makes sense.

Things slot into place, and your heart beats a little faster, and you’re suddenly understanding what people mean when you know suddenly you know.

And you don’t know if the world is teasing you with a fate you can never have because Maggie hopes to be friends, but in that very moment, you don’t think it matters.

Your heart finally feels full enough that you don’t feel like the world is weighing down on your shoulders, you’ll worry about having a soulmate who doesn’t realize what just happened later.

You’ll work on it later. Because right now, you’ve got something else that you want.

**_“Pool. Tomorrow.”_ **

**_“Wouldn’t miss it.”_ **

\-----

The thing is she doesn’t, and things move forward and they move on, and you guys try being together, and you don’t tell Maggie about your tattoo, you hide it the best you can.

Until you don’t have to.

Until she gets a smile so bright when your words slip out, and you realize, that her tattoo is on her lower back, and you don’t see it until the night after your big fight, when you’re both naked between the sheets.

You didn’t know that the words “I want to be happy with you” are etched lightly against her spine, in the smallest print, in the writing you save for your lab reports, neat and tiny and so very her.

You decide in that moment that maybe soulmates are real, and you’re okay with having yours because she makes you the happiest, and whether or not the world expected it, anticipated, whether or not fate was a part of it, doesn’t matter because she makes you happy.

**Author's Note:**

> catch me @ galaxydanvers on tumblr.


End file.
